Hello.

Hi.

My name is Lilly, I'm 24 and german.
I started this blog mostly for myself. Right now I'm in a kinda dark place and have no idea how to get out.
That's the reason for the word "dark" in the title of this blog, and "glitter" is coming for my passion for make up, girly things, sparkly things and where I want to head in the future.

I was diagnosed with depression in December of 2014, but honestly I think I have them since I was 13ish. I was in therapy twice, the first time it was quite okay but we only had 10 meetings, he didn't have more time for me. The second time was horrible, my therapist told me kindly I'm not woth shit. Not in these exact words, but thats what she probably meant.
I am not quite sure yet how to deal with this blog. I don't know if I should share it among my friends, because only few know about my illness.
That's mostly because I don't know how to deal with it and that I can't even really say it out loud.
The phrase "I have depressions" is the hardest thing for me to say. I wish it was different.
I wish I could be open about it and tell people instead of lying to them when I can't make it to a party or whatever because I feel like shit or have a panic attack. Oh how I wish I was strong enough...

Right now I am at work, gladly alone. And thoughts were running through my mind like a fucking hurricane so I thought I would start this little thing and make it my safety place.
I wanna share things that keep me up at night and make me wanna cry the whole time, but also I wanna share the things that make me happy, my progress, if there ever is one.
So maybe I have things to look back on on days I feel miserable and start to feel better. Who knows.

Right now I don't have the strength to find a new therapist, I can't even pick up the phone... So I thought maybe this could be my little personal therapy right now.

I hope I will keep writing posts here, because I know myself, and hate myself for it, that I often start things or want things so badly and then stop doing them.

Today I feel like shit.

I don't know exactly why. One thing that goes through my mind is weight loosing. Yes, I am overweight. And I hate myself for not going to the gym or a sports class my friend teaches and I can go to for free! But no, I can't get my fat ass up and do it. I feel so weak for all the things I don't do.

Yesterday I told one of my friends I got cramps so I won't make it to our dinner date, oh what a lie. I just wanted to go home, have some good food, be on the couch and most importantly be with my boyfriend. And today I am supposed to meet another friend and all I wanna do is curl up in my bed and watch videos on YouTube. And feel even worse about me and my life because of all the great lives other people are living.
Yes, today is a day I feel absolutely fucking weak and bath in self-pity.
You need days like these as well, don't you?
I do.
I think.
Actually I wanted to start a blog and a YouTube channel about make up, fashion and lifestyle and be that brave plus sized girl, but the darkness inside of me kinda overshadows the fun right now.
I hope one day I will have the strength and power and selfesteem to do so and fullfill my dreams.

xx
Lilly