Cherishing the good moments.

It's been quite the good weekend.
Of course I had to work on Saturday, as usual, I work from Tuesday to Saturday. But still, I was in a pretty good mood, even when my boss was so annoying in the beginning of the day.
I knew there would be some people coming over Saturday night and I even I was sort of feeling okay I wasn't really in the mood for a party, even though the thought of alcohol was quiet pleasant.  
At first it was kinda lame but then time flew by and all of a sudden it was getting bright outside and it was almost 7 am. Crazy. I was pretty drunk but I'm glad I remember most of the night if not even everything.
Usually I would probably find something negative about this night or feel even worse afterwards but I really have to admit, it was a fucking great time. I had lots of laughter, no fake ones, great and even deep conversations, bonded even more with some of the people.
I used to drink to forget, to have a night of fun and knowing I will feel even worse the next day, and I used to do that every single weekend for like almost half a year. It was exhausting and freaking expensive, but it was my only escape in my opinion.
But that's no solution. It is no solution to use your friends as an excuse to drink or so you don't have to drink alone, to use them so you won't be alone but not at all see that they are actually there for you.
Some friends are just for partying, that's just how it is, you don't really meet with them for a coffee or dinner, you just see them on the weekends and everyone is fine with that. But even those people are giving their best to make this night a good night and I never really cherished them enough I guess.
Because some former friends of mine where more than mean to me I took a step back from all of my friends and now since I have F., the boyfriend, I got to know his friends and I feel like I put mine in the corner, like old toys. But I wish they know that I cherish and love them but that I can't really show it right now.
Anyway, this Saturday night made me smile. I was so glad that people were having fun at our house and that it was a success, even though the mess afterwards was big.
I want to try and learn to see the little moments in life more, the moments that fill your heart with this warm feeling for a bit, the moments when you think "I'm not alone".

Definitely a little more glitter than darkness.

xx
Lilly

Hello.

Hi.

My name is Lilly, I'm 24 and german.
I started this blog mostly for myself. Right now I'm in a kinda dark place and have no idea how to get out.
That's the reason for the word "dark" in the title of this blog, and "glitter" is coming for my passion for make up, girly things, sparkly things and where I want to head in the future.

I was diagnosed with depression in December of 2014, but honestly I think I have them since I was 13ish. I was in therapy twice, the first time it was quite okay but we only had 10 meetings, he didn't have more time for me. The second time was horrible, my therapist told me kindly I'm not woth shit. Not in these exact words, but thats what she probably meant.
I am not quite sure yet how to deal with this blog. I don't know if I should share it among my friends, because only few know about my illness.
That's mostly because I don't know how to deal with it and that I can't even really say it out loud.
The phrase "I have depressions" is the hardest thing for me to say. I wish it was different.
I wish I could be open about it and tell people instead of lying to them when I can't make it to a party or whatever because I feel like shit or have a panic attack. Oh how I wish I was strong enough...

Right now I am at work, gladly alone. And thoughts were running through my mind like a fucking hurricane so I thought I would start this little thing and make it my safety place.
I wanna share things that keep me up at night and make me wanna cry the whole time, but also I wanna share the things that make me happy, my progress, if there ever is one.
So maybe I have things to look back on on days I feel miserable and start to feel better. Who knows.

Right now I don't have the strength to find a new therapist, I can't even pick up the phone... So I thought maybe this could be my little personal therapy right now.

I hope I will keep writing posts here, because I know myself, and hate myself for it, that I often start things or want things so badly and then stop doing them.

Today I feel like shit.

I don't know exactly why. One thing that goes through my mind is weight loosing. Yes, I am overweight. And I hate myself for not going to the gym or a sports class my friend teaches and I can go to for free! But no, I can't get my fat ass up and do it. I feel so weak for all the things I don't do.

Yesterday I told one of my friends I got cramps so I won't make it to our dinner date, oh what a lie. I just wanted to go home, have some good food, be on the couch and most importantly be with my boyfriend. And today I am supposed to meet another friend and all I wanna do is curl up in my bed and watch videos on YouTube. And feel even worse about me and my life because of all the great lives other people are living.
Yes, today is a day I feel absolutely fucking weak and bath in self-pity.
You need days like these as well, don't you?
I do.
I think.
Actually I wanted to start a blog and a YouTube channel about make up, fashion and lifestyle and be that brave plus sized girl, but the darkness inside of me kinda overshadows the fun right now.
I hope one day I will have the strength and power and selfesteem to do so and fullfill my dreams.

xx
Lilly